Hey. Lol, you know me, I'm a completely different person when writing letters. I guess you never truly knew how awkward I really was back when I was younger and we were all together. I can't remember the last time I've written a letter actually. College applications maybe? Job application? I've really grown up and taken on tons of responsibilities since you've left. But I'm still the same person, with the same thoughts, and I always will be.
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| Picture Of Dad, Mom, Alex, and I. Before Marcus and Ariel were born. |
March 13, 2012. Was that the date? I actually may have forgotten the date you died exactly. Don't be mad at me, you should be happy, staying away from sadness and horrific memories is a good thing. I believe that's the date. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like 20 years ago. It really kind of depends on the mood I guess.
Why couldn't we both just be happy? Why did we always have to be angry? I always felt like you and I were always the most upset ones in the family. That maybe our 16 years spent together was a total waste of time and just a huge punishment upon us.
Remember when we were headed to work the summer of June 2011. You told me that out of all the four of us, Alex, Marcus, Ariel, and I, that I definitely resembled you the most, that I was the child version of you and that it made you proud. It made me feel special, but it made me feel weird too.
Deep down I always loved you Dad. Of course I did, I always will. But I never want to be like you. I don't want to resemble you. It hurts ya know? The things you put us through. You know what I mean. I'm not mad though. I forgive you. It was just most of the time.
We still had good times. I miss playing those 70s songs while driving with you. Or those times you would buy Marcus and I those huge sodas and ice cream bars, and then every time we came home Mom would start yelling at us. But you, Marcus, and I would just start laughing hysterically.
I still think it's sad though. Like how the only intimate times I can remember with you is just buying soda and driving in a vehicle. Not to mention it's all that soda and crap that killed you in the first place.
You don't think you could've tried harder? A little harder to make our family an actual family? To make us happy? Why did we seem so fake? Why were we always hurting deep down?
Remember that time you took us fishing? Why the hell did you take us fishing? That was probably the dumbest thing you ever planned hahaha. None of us caught anything and we all came home with mosquito bites.
I know you hate it when I write. If you were alive you'd tell me to delete this. "A blog Cheyenne? What are you some little girl? A weenie?" You're right, I don't know why I have this either. A lot of times I have come close to deleting it. Remember the time you threw away the book I was writing back in 2009? The book I spent 2 hours everyday for 3 months writing? And you threw it away. That was probably the worse thing you ever did to me. I hated you and mom for awhile for doing that. You guys never understood my intentions and always ruined my alone time.
It's ok. It's over. I'm not writing this to bash you. I'm just writing this to get it all out. To tell you everything I just always wanted to tell you. It's all about honesty ya know? You and I sometimes struggled with that in the past.
Do you wanna know what scares me? What really kills me? It's not the fact that you're not here right now. It's the fact that I don't know where you are at all.
I've never been good at showing my emotions or showing how I feel. I mean, I cried when you died, obviously. But I just didn't know what to think at all. You were gone. What I thought didn't matter.
Is it true that you if you die and go to heaven, that you are able to look down on me and see the way I feel? And see the way I do things? Or the way I think? Will you be able to read this Dad? Or am I just wasting my time like usual?
After you died the first thing I asked Mom was, "Is he in heaven Mom?" It took her awhile to answer. "Mom!? Is he in heaven!?" I raised my voice. "Cheyenne please just stop ok!?" She started crying even more and then said. "I just don't know. I don't know where he is."
That's when I broke down. I started to cry. Every time someone dies the whole "Be happy, they are in heaven now" quotes start up. But with you? Why was it different? With you it didn't go that way. And I'm scared Dad. Ok? I'm scared and I always will be. I'm scared that if I die today I'm going to hell and I will never see you. I'm scared that if I change my life around and go to heaven, that I still won't see you. I don't know where you are and I'm afraid I never will know.
Do you want to know the honest truth? You dying made my life better. A lot of horrible things still happened after you died, especially moving to bullshit Texas, but besides all that I feel like my life would've been worse if you were still alive. You were holding us back Dad, and you never realized this.
Many things changed after you died. I was actually able to hang with friends, I got my license and was able to drive, I was able to play basketball in high school, heck, I even lost my virginity! Lol.
None of this and tons more would've happened if you were still alive today. I'd be so depressed right now. It's just my assumption. So many memories with you that I could use to back this up.
So many other things. I think you were too focused on work, money, and manipulation. I'm sorry, it's the way I feel. I hope you understand.
You passing away taught me so much. Family and Friends first. It's all we got. Life is about happiness Dad, that's all you had to realize. All you needed was happiness and everything would've been wonderful. You cared too much about what people thought. You didn't spend enough time with us. We didn't spend enough time with you. It was dysfunctional. We were always alone. I mean geez you moved us up into the mountains with a bunch of weird people who hated us.
You're probably wondering how everyone else is. Marcus is graduating high school soon. He also got a job cashing at Kroger for a little money and is really good at computers and fixing them, you'd be proud of him. Alex has a fantastic job and is doing wonderful at this company. He works in one of those huge buildings near Dallas. You know those cool movie scenes in the city with all those skyscrapers and stuff? You'd be impressed with him. Ariel is soon going to be in high school. You wouldn't believe how tall she is, she's almost taller than Alex and is soon reaching Marcus's and my height.
Mom is good. She spends a lot of time with with her soon to be husband. She seems happier. She's gotten over you. But she hasn't forgotten. I wouldn't know though, my relationship with her is still shaky. I barely see her anymore cause of the job and preparing for the wedding. I know, you would be mad at me for saying that. I'm trying though, it's just hard. She's getting married soon Dad. She's getting married. To Steve Jennings. I think you'd like him though, although you guys are complete opposites hahaha. If you want Mom happy though, you'd be happy that this is happening. Don't be sad. You passing away isn't supposed to mean all of us being sad for the rest of our lives. It's just us moving on, and I know you understand this.
I think you'd be proud of me. Proud and impressed. I always think of you when I do the things I do. The things I have to do and go through. I'm a night shift worker at Kroger, still, for the past year. I work 45 hours a week and go to college full-time. I just finished my second year! 2 more to go man, crazy how time flies huh? I get 4 hours of rest every day. I'm so busy all the time. Don't worry, I still got time for friends and girls. Cause what's life without that? You'd be proud of how hard I'm working. I took after you definitely in that department. I'm studying psychology, but I might change, I don't know to what though. I know I write and think all the time, but to do that for a profession would be depressing in my opinion.
I should probably go, trust me, this letter could be pages long. I have work tonight and need rest, I want to watch the NBA playoffs tomorrow too. I know you never cared about sports, but I hope the Cavs win lol.
I'm going to keep this letter forever, I hope you do too. I miss you and I love you. I hope you miss me too. I hope you're not mad at me for writing this and posting it on my blog. I'm not going to tell anyone I promise. Some people might read it even if I don't post it on social media anyway, like my close friends, or I know Marcus, Alex, and Mom read these sometimes, although they think that I don't know. But just ignore that though ok? This is just for you. I don't know why or what this is supposed to prove, but something told me I had to find a way to get all of this guilt out of me.
I just want you to know that I forgive you, and I hope you forgive me for all the things I said or thought about you in the past. I hope I get to see you Dad. I'm going to keep telling myself that you're in heaven. But it just kills me to know that I still don't know the truth.
My goal is to be a better you. Don't take that the wrong way. Be happy that that's my goal, please. I want four kids too. But I want the order to be girl-boy-boy-girl. Secretly the second child just might be my favorite too, but shhhh don't tell anyone. I hope to see you again, and I hope you're proud of me. I hope you're proud of all of us.
I love you Dad.
I'm glad we had this talk. Until I see you again. Bye.
Cheyenne Fuller.
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