Fake Relationship With God And Worrying About Hell?

"Really Cheyenne!? Another Jesus post!?" Eh these posts about religion just seem to bring out mixed emotions in my friends. I don't mind writing these I guess, they're entertaining, especially to see what my peers think when they message and text me after reading and they seem to get a lot of reads as well. I'm friends with such a variety of people, non-believers, gays, atheists, and total Christian believers. I'm content with it. If you like me I like you. Usually.

I am skeptical of posting stuff about religion on my blog because of this though. But something in me just says, "You have to do it. It's a subject people will enjoy. God wants you to do it. Wait whaaaatt? No he doesn't, God never told you to blog in the first place, what are you talking about? This was all your idea bud. You're gonna feel guilty if you don't do it though." Ok. Then I do it.

My lifestyle hasn't changed ever since I started middle school, high school, college, and work. I've always been the same person, with the same mindset. Before, back in High School, all my friends were so open-minded. Then I came to Dallas Baptist University and I had to watch it. I liked my friends there and the people were nice too, they really were. No complaints really. "Geez I'm not a bad kid though, I mean c'mooooon we're talking about the dorky Cheyenne Fuller here.  I just dislike talking about God ALL THE TIME in general, every once in a while is fine. I mean wouldn't it annoy you if someone talked about math all the time? Or Obama or somethin? lol, but hey it's God, I'm not comparing them to God, but a topic is a topic. Ugh it just makes me feel like such a horrible person for saying that. I do need work and help, I know. I'm just being honest. Maybe I should stop this whole blogging thing. Nahhhh I have a pretty decent audience now. People actually appreciate the full honesty and feel of this I guess, or maybe just wanna see what this "chump" is gonna post next (; Either way you haters or lovers are viewing. Thank you. It makes me feel good.

Do you ever catch yourself talking about a touchy subject in a group that might kinda get awkward because some of the people in that group don't agree? Or because they don't believe in it? God is one of those subjects for sure. "Well I don't believe in God soooo." "Ok ok, can we just talk about something else?" "Heaven and Hell doesn't exist bruh, quit worrying so much." Then it just gets all touchy, feelings are hurt, and it's just awkward.

I'm not getting deep about ME. This blog isn't supposed to be about me. Nahhhh brah, it's actually supposed to help you think about yourself, with me used as examples I suppose, something like that.

I gave my heart to the Lord when I was 16 back in 2012. Why was I so excited? It wasn't a big deal. I remember posting it on Facebook and I felt like a movie star with all the likes and comments. No more posting statuses about my life on Facebook. "Ok ok, it's not a big deal really..."

My friends Spencer and Michaela back at Glacier Bible Camp in 2012

 Alright I'm a Christian. I believe in God, died on the cross for us, loves us. I believe in it ok? I really do. It is a big deal. But I just don't feel anything. I KNOW some of you feel this way too. There's no way I'm the only one. Throughout High School I just did my own thing without asking God "Should I do this? Should I do that?" "What do you want me to do with my life?" I remember my freshman year when Rafael, Kollin, and I were all planning to join the Marines together. My mom didn't like that idea.

"Cheyenne you have to ask God what he wants for your life." she said. "Mom what's the point of living and making your own decisions when God can supposedly lead you to where he wants? If that was the case, then us and the world wouldn't be so miserable all the time." I snapped. Conversation ended just like that with her shaking her head in disgust. "I'll be praying for you."

Just going through the motions, yeah we'd pray every night, say prayers before we eat, before we started the day, and all of that. But I never felt anything, just going through the motions. It didn't feel special at all. Have you ever asked someone "hey how are you doing?" but you actually don't really care about how they're doing haha? It's kinda like that, you're so used to doing the same thing, you don't feel anything.

I've NEVER felt God "speak to me." How does he "speak" to me? How do I know it's not just my own mind? Ok that's a bad thing right? If I'm a Christian. If I'm truly a Christian I should feel him speaking to me right? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe it's all a joke, maybe I'm not a Christian but I think I am? Wait whhhaaat? Nahhh that doesn't make any sense does it? I truly did give my life to him....right? I mean I went through it all. I thought I felt something.

I remember back in 2013 my senior year. This guest speaker came to speak to our Church. I didn't really like him actually because he "embarrassed" me in front of everyone. He went around putting his hand on random hand-picked people he chose around the church and praying for them out loud, saying all the things they were struggling with. And with my luck you already know I was one of those people.

"Please don't pray for me. Please don't pray for me. Don't come near me." I thought to myself. Doesn't that sound horrible? "Don't pray for me?" He came towards me and put his hand on my shoulder. "Lord Jesus I pray a blessing upon this young adult. The older you get the more responsibilities, trials and tribulations you face. You're struggling with Family Troubles, Sexual Activity, Anger, Depression. You're a very liked, popular guy, but deep down you're afraid. You don't know what to do, where you're going. Lord I want you to lead this child down your path of righteousness, show him the light towards the Kingdom. Take control of the throne of his life. Make him the kind of person you want him to be. Amen." That was a shortened version actually...

I saw a little 10th grade sophomore snickering and grinning like a fool when he said all this.  He didn't take any of this seriously, what a fake. I was angry at this guest speaker. Did he really have to say all that out loud? In front of everyone? Praying doesn't have to require everyone knowing your damn business does it? Who does he think he is? The truth is, I was angry at him because somehow, everything he said was right. It freaked me out and made me even more angry. "These no-it-all Christians are overdoing it. That wasn't necessary at all." I told myself. Embarrassing.

It was silent on the way home from church. How can it not be awkward when all your family members hear this stuff? "Don't worry bout it, don't worry bout it, you can change right? It's not that hard. I can pray to God on my own time. It's not hard at all.

This is where the reality part for EVERYONE, not just me comes in. Sure, I started praying, reading my bible every morning before school. It started feeling good the first two months....but then I slowly and slowly stopped doing it. No more. I never thought about it. It just stopped happening. "I'm not a bad kid. I'm really not. Lets just not think about it. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine." On with life.

Alcohol, girls, parties, stupidity, it was all a once in a while thing. Geez I haven't EVER been mean to anyone, unless they deserved it. I'm not bad! I'm a nice caring guy! But why am I feeling so guilty? Most of the kids in my class and I did not behave like a "real Christian" would I guess, but what's a "real Christian" anyway right? All of them weren't Christians anyway, but some of them who claimed they were...., haha nahhhhhh. But I'm not just gonna diss on them because I don't know their struggles and also cause if someone looked at me back when I was 17 in high school they would not think I was a Christian either because of how I acted as well. Rightfully so.

It's hard to be a good person when you're not around the best people, just saying just saying, because I did know who my real friends were and you know who your real friends are as well.

But wait a sec, what are all these thoughts you have in your mind randomly sometimes? "If you die tonight, you're going to hell." "Don't drink that, God is gonna punish you." "Something bad is going to happen" "You're gonna die and burn in hell if you don't change your ways around." "In the blink of an eye you're gonna die, then what kid? Have fun with the Devil down there. Eternity. You're gonna spend eternity with the Devil. How does that make you feel?"

This picture creeps me out.

I get worried. "Oh crap oh crap oh crap. Ok ok I'm gonna stop, I'm gonna repent I promise." I'll sit on my bed praying and repenting. It'll take me maybe 10 minutes. Does it matter? Time doesn't matter right? But wait now I'm done repenting but something doesn't seem right. Something doesn't seem right at all. "You already know you're gonna disobey your mom again." "You already know you're gonna be lustful of girls." "You already know you're gonna get drunk with your friends again." "You're gonna lie, sin, and do it aaallll over again you fake piece of crap. I wouldn't think this as I repent or after, but in the back of my head it is all there saying that. I just block it out. I don't wanna hear it.

This kinda goes back to the "Atheists and Trying To Believe In God" post I did 2 months earlier. "All these fake Christian girls getting drunk and grinding on every guy they see, then they "repent" post bible quotes on Instagram with a damn selfie and then repeat the f%&@in process all over again." said my roommate. "Applies to everyone." I thought.

This is where it gets weird. After High School it was DBU. I didn't distance myself from the Jesus talkers. In fact I'm still friends with many of them, they helped me a bit, talked to me, they were great friends to me. The problem is that once it came to talking about Jesus, I was outta there, tried my best to escape. I just can't do it. "They won't like me, they'll think I'm fake, they're so Godly I can't compare, they can see the fake right through me, I'm nothing like them, I think too much." I would tell myself. They all acted the same, knew so much about the Lord. I remember meeting a sorority girl named Stephanie, really kind, a good friend and a believer. "Well hey we're actually having a bible study, you wanna come?" "Uhh yeah I might be there, let me just go to my dorm first to wash up." I didn't go. She knew I wasn't coming either. She was no fool, cause she just gave me that "surrreee you're commiiiinnggg" look. I felt really bad, she and her friends are great people. Haven't really talked to any of them since.

Let's be totally honest here, I was better friends with the people who weren't talking about God all the time though. "I'm still a Christian, I'm a good person." Clubs, Alcohol, Parties. Every 1 month I'd like to say. I just don't know what to do. Everyone is repenting but do it again. What if you forget to repent then die? Hell it is? Compared to the person who "remembers" to repent? Heaven it is for them? How do we even know? What am I even talking about?

"Haha broooo so many Christians and people are gonna see this post bro, are you sure you wanna post it? You sure that's a good idea?" asked one of my friends. "Just because I choose to admit to my sins on a dumb blog doesn't mean I'm a worst person than all these people right? Of course I'm posting this, who knows? Some of them might relate, if they think I'm crazy than they think I'm crazy haha." I said.

I don't even know what I need help with. Ok ok, you're a Christian, you love God. There's step one. You know the 10 commandments, the differences between right and wrong, you know what you shouldn't do. There's step two. Where after that? Why do I keep doing what I'm doing when I know it's wrong? You're doing it too!! Right? Or am I just horrible?? What's wrong us?!

Mind over God. It's like I'm trying to out-think him or something. You can't out-think God you fool! It's making my head hurt. This post is getting long, maybe I should stop. I'm just afraid someone is gonna run me over or something and I'm going straight to hell. What if I do die? Oh gosh where am I gonna go? But what if I live? I'm gonna repent cause I'm scared and had an near death experience but then all the same things and same thoughts keep happening over and over after I do and nothing is changing. It's just a never ending cycle of horror and it's destroying our mind. My mind. Maybe yours too?

Ok. Wait

Let's breathe.

Let's stop.

Conclusion right? You're confused now perhaps? You don't even know what I'm talking about. I don't even know what I'm talking about! Maybe I just need help? Maybe you do to? I'll just say that to make myself feel good. No I'm just gonna be truthful. Speak on behalf of people like me. Christians are gonna see this. I don't care. Ok let's do this. Some of you are with me.

Why I hate talking about God with other Christians?  Why I'm struggling? They know all about the Bible and God, I'm jealous because they're better people than me, almost like they're cocky about it, they have life alll figuuurrreeed out.. "Ohh yeah brooo! c'mon homiez let's go get turnt for Jesus!" "Turnt for Jesus?" Are you freakin serious? You're joking right? DBU, or just my friends in life generally was split kinda, not in a bad way though. You had the believers, 50% and you had the people who didn't share their opinion much, they might have been believers, they might not have been. Either way they didn't talk about God as much. That's the other 50%, not a big deal, that's everywhere, every college. Why I'm stuggling? Why you might be struggling?

Because we just need help. It's simple. Just kidding no it's not. Perhaps see a pastor, pray to God more, read the Bible. But I shouldn't be giving advice about this at all. I just believe we're not trying hard enough to "speak to God." But I don't know a thing. I know I know. All these people trying to cram Jesus down our throats. "Pray this, pray that." "Died on the cross for our sins blah blah." Tell me something I don't know.

Something has to be wrong if we're supposedly a Christian, but we have to repent almost everyday,  or we keep repeating the same sins, or we're afraid to talk about God with our peers, and avoid huge believers. Something is wrong. I don't know what to do. "Oh just pray!! You'll be fine!" I've been doing that. You've been doing that. Shut up, it's not that freakin easy for some of us. I'm just afraid I'm "fake repenting" does that make sense? Repenting without actually meaning what I'm saying, the little things in the back of your mind letting you know it's gonna happen again? "Your sins are gonna happen again."

I find that most of the time I'm only repenting when something "bad" or "tragic" happens to me of if I'm in a situation that is looking extremely tough. It's weird how some of us only pray when we need something.

This probably isn't even bothering most of you like it's bothering me and I know why. You're probably not thinking about when you die as much as I am. More than a normal person should actually. Heaven or Hell. Eternity. It's bothering me. I'm gonna find help. I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be fine. We just need to quit our ways, our addictions. Although I believe they aren't that bad and they aren't addictions. But maybe the first step to quitting something is to admit it's an addiction? I dunno. I will find a way to overcome haha. I'm going to Heaven. I'm serious. This is life. This is real. One chance. My head hurts, I'm done.

I'm stressed out? Me of all people? I'm worried for have friends who are non-believers. What will they think? I wonder what is going through their heads. I still feel for them. It's hard when people try to cram God down your throat, especially when they don't believe in it. Must be hard for them.  Maybe we need it. It'll save us perhaps. But they don't believe in being saved though? Right?

AWWW GOSH I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

This was weird. I might have to read this over a couple times to make sure this even makes sense. It probably doesn't, I dunno, nahhhh I'll just post it before I can change my mind and cheat and change stuff that way it's 100% real. Tell me what you think, maybe you can't, this was kinda all over the place. But hey normal blogs are boring, I like this. Thanks for reading this post, this might be the first post that I promise myself I won't go back and edit anything.

3:13 a.m. currently, I had the night off from work, I'll post this tomorrow around 8:00 p.m., no one is awake right now(:

P.S. I'm not going back to edit or read this haha, so cut me some slack on this one if words are misspelled etc.haha, bye bye now.

Cheyenne Fuller

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Sorority Girls Vs. Non-Sorority Girls/Girls Out Of Your League

This is actually a picture of some of the sorority girls who go to my college, Dallas Baptist University, I stole it from a post on Twitter a couple months ago.cause I do what I want. AREN'T THEY ADORABLE GUYS!?"

                                

I actually dedicate this post to my college roommate Jonathon, I know he won't mind me writing about him. He'll read this and then send me a snapchat with a goofy grin probably haha. Our honesty towards each other is 100%. That's what make people good friends.

Ever since growing up I've been kinda like a role model to my best friends, just cause of my courage and creativity when it came to girls, socializing, being in public, etc. I guess. After moving to Texas and making friends in college it was the same thing, except more extreme this time.

Jonathon, and some of the other friends I made were so innocent and insecure. Who cares though right?  Never kissed a girl, never been in a relationship, too nervous, many rejections, and all that good stuff lol. Absolutely no experience with girls whatsoever. I was almost like a hero to them, even though I'm honestly not that attractive at all and had my fair share of rejections and turn downs too.

"What Cheyenne!? You kissed a girl when you were 12 years old!? No WAYYYY! How'd you do it!??" "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! DUDE! DUDE! LOOK AT THAT GIRL OVER THERE! ISN'T SHE HOT DUDE!?" says Jonathon the first week of college as he constantly elbows me trying to get my attention. "Quit talking so damn loud, she's gonna hear us." I whispered to him every time he did this. "Jonathon acts as if he's never seen a girl before" joked our other good friend and roommate Bill. "Wow this girl is pretty attractive." said Bill calmly laying on his bed one time, creeping on some girl on Instagram. "WHERE!? WHERE!? LET ME SEE!" yells Jonathon as he almost fell and rolled off his bed trying to get a look.

Remember what I said about "first impressions will always be the first thing people judge you on?" Well I have MAD RESPECT for the non-frat, not-the-best looking guys, for going after the really pretty sorority girls here at college. I saw a couple of rejections and they weren't pretty, in fact they were brutal. I remember one of my friends(I'll keep his name confidential), a kind non-frat guy asking a sorority girl to some dance thing. He had a big crush on her. She turned him down by saying she wasn't planning on going to the dance, but last minute she ended up going with this one frat guy who always had his hair slicked back with what looked like too much hair gel. I knew because I was also friends with him and I knew the sorority girl. I didn't tell my other friend though. That would hurt. Pretty brutal move by that chick huh? I thought she was nice at first, but kinda just lost my respect for her after that. A very stuck up girl as I got to know her myself. Not worth any of my friends time. I would usually give my friends my brutal honest opinion when they told me who they looked. I'm not letting my friends waste their time or get rejected hard!

Remember DBU is a private Christian college, sorority girls weren't exactly the same as the sorority girls in colleges such as University of North Texas or University of Texas at Arlington. I would know because my other non-frat, more out-going friends and I visited there, made friends with some of them, and even went to a couple of the parties. They were sweet and nice for sure, more flirty, seemed a little more outgoing than the DBU girls, and usually gave all guys a chance, but they weren't into Christ and God as much though, obviously cause they LOVED partying. But hey I dunno right? Just pathetic assumptions from yours truly.

Jonathon would always tell me who he was interested in and I would always tell him who I was interested in. That's what friends do. I remember the first girl he liked was this sorority girl named Shelby. Really cute and pretty. "I'm not attractive compared to all these frat guys, do you think I have a chance with her? Please be honest with me Cheyenne." said Jonathon. You could see fear in his eyes. "Not all girls are the same Jonathon, I believe if you truly try to go after her and show your feelings you will have a chance with her." I said. I tried to cloud up the one part in my mind that said, "She's not going to go after him, he's at a disadvantage, he doesn't even have his license, no experience, he's not tall, just tell him it won't happen, tell him to go after someone else." "No no no don't, he can try. Anything is possible. Some girls are different.

She didn't like him. Obvious. Automatic friendzone. In fact, they were barely even friends, she was too cool to even say hi to him around her friends. I tried to cheer him up by telling him the TRUTH. "Dude don't even worry about it, you didn't even get rejected, you're just finding out she's not the one for you, in fact I'm glad you didn't end up with her, if she can't see the kindness in you then you can do better." I said. "You really think so??" said Jonathon with this goofy grin on his face. He went after another 10. An extremely cute blonde sorority girl, and this time it was just an awkward "obviously not interested in you" rejection. It was hard watching this stuff happen to my friends. Why the hell were they coming to me for advice? I was having my troubles too.

"Got your eye on any girls here Cheyenne? There's a lot of pretty girls here at DBU huh?" asked Brandon, one of my friends during a Psychology class we had. There were around 30 people in the class only, just 5 guys and the rest were girls. "Eh they're alright I guess, nothing to get crazy about." I said trying to sound all cool. Deep down I knew they were pretty, they were actually gorgeous.

I always told myself, a girl is a girl. "If you're attracted to her then you're attracted to her and if you're not then you're not." Does it really matter if they're in a sorority or not? "Yes actually it does matter" "But why?" I was always having arguments and debates with myself. I'm weird. I'm always giving my friends advice, help with getting the pretty girls and stuff, but yet I'm the one being the chump.

I remember earlier in the year before Rush Week for sororities and frats started I sat next to this girl named Kallie in this Old Testament Class I was forced to take. She was also twins with her other sister. They were both in my Psychology class too. Sure I'm outgoing, extroverted, I have my fun with my friends, I have my "I don't care what you think" moments but I'm still more of an introvert. I'm a thinker, listener, I'll study people closely, trying to be as less creepy as possible lol. She seemed more introverted then her sister. Perfect. I always smiled at her when we passed ways, had small talk about the pointless things during class, I was awkward, as usual lol. I thought I liked her kinda. Until she joined a sorority I decided it was not gonna happen. No chance. Don't even think about it.

"Well why aren't you going after her anymore, just because she's in a sorority doesn't mean anything does it? You're friends with some of the sorority girls!" said Jonathon. "I dunno man, I just feel like sorority girls bring so much attention to themselves. It's too good to be true ya know? It doesn't matter. Kallie's out of my league anyway." "What!? You're always the one telling me that anything can happen why are you being a pussy!?" joked Jonathon.

Ok stop for a sec, I'm gonna go off topic for a sec. This is for all my insecure, dorky, kind nerds out there. A perfect example. Picture a group of sorority girls. Let's say 5 of them. 4 of them are taken by attractive, tall, Zac Efron-looking, frat guys. One of them isn't. You like her. She may like you. But wait you're not tall, you're just 5'10, you're not as attractive, not as confident, not as wealthy, don't have a nice vehicle. You're gonna be compared. So you lose hope and courage. So nope you automatically assume it's not gonna happen. Don't even try. Her friends are gonna compare their boyfriends to hers. Call you unattractive and stuff. Just don't do it. Her family is high-class. "Do I really want my daughter dating this guy?" See what I'm saying here? This is what goes through a disadvantaged introverts mind ladies and gentleman.  Ok back to the story.

Then Bill and I decided to give him the realistic talk.

"No pretty sorority girl is going to go after an ugly, no vehicle, non-frat, inexperienced loser." I said, kinda in a mean tone. Not trying to refer to him. "They want a big mouth, chisel chinned, overly-confident, cocky frat guy." said Bill, kinda jokingly. "Listen Jonathon, I'm sorry because I haven't been helping you in the past. We have to be realistic. These frat guys are taking these girls skating, dancing, fancy restaurants, adventures in their huge trucks, and everything. They're out of our league, not for us. Are you able to do any of that?" I asked him. He slowly shook his head no. "I mean don't get me wrong, not all sorority girls here are the same." I said. "Yes they are." said Bill stopping me. "They think the same, dress the same, only want attractive cocky frat boys and only think about what's good for them and don't realize when they hurt someone's feelings." he explained. "They are, they all have turned me down and used the same damn excuse. In fact it's not just the sorority girls, it's just the really pretty girls in general. I'm not attractive enough, I'm at a disadvantage, they don't understand how good of a person I really am." said Jonathon. "Well I mean you just have to be realistic, maybe lower your standards." I said, not noticing how mean that sounded.

"I don't just want any girl, I want a girl I think is gorgeous, a girl I can love, a girl I can I can talk to about anything, why is it so hard? If only they could take the time to actually get to know me and not judge me by my looks. I would truly treat them perfectly." If only girls could hear the way Jonathon talked and the way he showed his emotion. They would fall in love with him in a heartbeat.

There were actually a lot of really nice sorority girls at DBU. Hannah, Lauren, Kallie, many others. Why am I mentioning names though? You don't know them lol. Oh well there are tons of girls named Lauren and Hannah haha they'll never know who I'm talking about. They were always so kind and I even tried convincing myself that they might even be interested in me, but I never went after any of them because I was convinced other guys were talking to them, it was too good to be true, I wasn't good enough for them. Why even try? Some attractive guy who had it all was gonna get them. It always ended that way. I thought about what Jonathon said, of course I wanted a beautiful girl! Who doesn't!? These other guys just got us beat though.

My friends seemed to get along with the "non-sorority" girls better than the sorority girls, for me a girl is just a girl. Ok it kills me to say this but in other words, "the girls who aren't as attractive as the sorority girls." It's just a brutal opinion that MOST guys would agree with me on, why aren't most of the frats going after the non-sorority girls? Or a better question! Why are the non-frats more attracted to the sorority girls? You know the answer lol. But hey not all guys are like this, I know some frats who are dating non-sororities and vice versa, it's just rare though.

Lowering and highering your standards on girls? Isn't that kinda mean? Nahhhhh girls do this stuff to us guys all the time too. I tried to convince myself that obviously all sorority girls, dress the same, act the same, talk the same, do EVERYTHING the same, but deep down they have to be thinking differently, wanting something out of the ordinary right?" They're in their big groups all the time but no way they all want the same thing right? Or maybe they do want the same cliche things. The frat guys who all acted the same and differed from my friends and I. I kept trying to tell myself that, but nope didn't seem like it lol. Always over thinking.

"Dude I feel the same way." I told Jonathon. "I just want a girl I can talk to, listen to music with, go on drives with, do something different and out of the ordinary, adventures, not cowboy dances. Not things cliche things all these sorority girls are doing." I said. "I'm not "lowering" my standards by not going after sorority girls, I'm just trying to find the "one" maybe more of an introverted girl who isn't so focused on how many damn instagram likes she gets." I joked. We both laughed at that. We both felt the same.

Introvert thinking. It was weird though because I knew people, but at the same time I just wasn't confident enough to ask any of them out yet. I thought it would be an automatic rejection. "Ehhh you're not that attractive brahhhh don't embarrass yourself bud."

So I was usually on the search for attractive girls who weren't in a sorority, cheer leading, and the dance team when I got my chance. Oddly for me, a girl who constantly gets hit on...I oddly don't find her that attractive unless I didn't know she got hit on all the time. Does that make sense? It's like a mental automatic turnoff kinda. It's weird. Told you I'm weird and deep.

I wanted a pretty girl who doesn't bring so much attention to herself and doesn't care about popularity. A girl all the guys don't know and aren't looking to hit on all the time. That's my type of girl. Know who you want. I kept trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter if they're in a sorority or not though. The problem is that I get so jealous. Jealousy was the problem, not popularity. I was pretty popular in college, had my variety of friends, but deep down I was introvert thinking and I definitely wasn't as confident as I acted. I wasn't going to go after a sorority girl because confident attractive guys were always freakin talking to her. Competition. I had to actually TRY to make them like me. That's hard, especially versing guys 6'2, 4 inches taller than me and much more attractive. Nahhh I don't need any of that. I will lose, those frat guys got me beat. Ok no more sorority girls, don't even think about it I'd tell myself. There were actually TONS of girls who weren't in a sorority and were actually GORGEOUS. I got along with them perfectly, it was about time. But now it was nearing the end of the year, I decided not to ask any of them out. It was pointless, I have a vehicle now, but at the time I didn't even have a car, another disadvantage. That might be the whole reason I was doubting myself! "They'd reject me if they knew that lol." I laughed to myself. Time screwed me over. Or I just screwed myself over.

So what's the verdict in the end? Really nothing, it's all opinion, after reading this I know TONS if not ALL sorority girls are gonna be like "That is not true, we're all really nice. We give everyone a chance! We're all different in our own way!!" ...K haha(: Honestly I believe it's not even about sorority girls...I believe it's about whether you're attractive or not. Right? I've seen some sorority girls dateless too. Yeah let's go with that.

I think this all depends on who you are as a person and what you want. Your abilities and your aspects.  There is a reason why some girls join a sorority and why some don't. More opportunities, more people, more things to do. Tons of reasons. I respect that. Sorority girls are nice. Well some. They're all on the search for some goal of sorts. I guess we just gotta figure out who we are. I asked some of my girlfriends why they didn't join a sorority. "It's for people who don't know how to make friends." "They peaked in High School, they're in desperation of attention now." "It's more of an extroverted thing." Just a bunch of different examples I've heard. Eh opinions are opinions. Can't say if I agree or not.

I in all honestly just spent most of my first college year actually just talking to other girls at different colleges, clubs, parties, and a couple Tinder dates, just goofing off and being a little flirt with my friends because we thought we were at a "disadvantage" compared to the frat guys at DBU who were able to drive the chicks everywhere, do what they wanted, had the looks, the money, blah blah. We really were at a disadvantage though. We weren't gonna get into a relationship here. Not frat material. Not as good lookin ya know? Thinkers not talkers. Maybe worried about people at DBU knowing our business. Campus of around 5,000 students. Talk goes around.

It's amazing how you could tell a frat guy from a non-frat guy. They were USUALLY more attractive, more out-going, knew all the pretty girls, had the cool vehicles. It was high-class. Well in DBU at least I guess. I dunno it is an expensive school.

Nah I kid I kid. Just take chances and try, but be realistic. We all want someone attractive. It's not the girls fault she doesn't find you attractive. Get over it. Do you really know what she's thinking? If she's pretty she's pretty. Sorority or not. The older you get the more competition. Jealousy will happen. Overcome it. Know what you want and that's it. Simple right? You'll do fine kid. Your chances may be low, but that doesn't mean they're impossible. Just cause she's pretty doesn't mean she's your type. Remember that. Infinite pretty girls in this world with different attitudes. It's amazing. Don't think about what the people WHO AREN'T YOUR FRIENDS ARE THINKING. Because they're part of the reason you're too afraid. Go after what you want and just move on with life. Whatever happens happens. This world wouldn't be fun if we were always successful. We all can't be perfect looking, nahhhh would that be enjoyable?? Would that be fun?

Remember in NO WAY am I saying sorority girls are more attractive than girls who aren't in a sorority, because that isn't true. My friends and I personally assumed sorority girls were into more confident, high class gentleman compared to the non-frat introverts. To sum it up, they weren't thinking about us at all hahaha. We were never in their mind. Brutal truth hurts. At least we know. Each girl in this world is their own individual beauty and person. Sorority or not. Does that make sense?

This post was very stupid and I have no clue why I wrote it. Just a pointless overthinking subject that introverts are bothered by haha. Just wanted to let you guys know that.

In the end, remember that there will always be someone for you who will be more attractive to you than the previous person you liked. I'll remember to tweet that one on Twitter haha.


Cheyenne Fuller

https://instagram.com/kingofawkward23/
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Night Shift

Things are actually going pretty well right now I guess. 2 months ago I got a job stocking shelves at Kroger and I've adjusted pretty well. Mom wasn't happy to hear that I was put on the night shift every night though. 4 or 5 days a week. 11:00 p.m. to usually 8:00 a.m. The funny thing is that I don't mind it actually even though it's only $8 an hour. It's an introvert job and I'm content with it. Gotta start from the bottom anyway right? Well I guess I always do lol.

DEALING WITH NO CUSTOMERS. It's the best thing ever. All I do is stock food for the same 4 aisles, usually the candy, cereal aisle, etc. every night and then that's it. The first week they had me working during the day. I'm totally fine talking to people but I hate being FORCED to talk to people. "Remember to always smile and ask the customer if they need any help Cheyenne!!" Which is what a real store worker should do, but soon it becomes so robotic and zombie like that it doesn't even mean anything, kinda like Chick Fil-A. "My pleasure serving you." mumbled this kid with a frown one time when my brothers and I were ordering there. They're forced to say that, they didn't "have pleasure" serving us. Lol liars.

Sometimes the customers are absolute idiots. I remember one time, THREE grown men who looked to be in their late 20s during the same day asked me to lead them to the "milk aisle." because they couldn't find it.

9 hours of stocking gets real tiring though and soon you feel like a zombie just repeating the same motions over and over. I usually have a process I do when I start my 9 hour shift at work. The first 1 hour and 30 minutes I think about my blog, my life, situations people face, new posts or titles I can put up. Sometimes I even go on Twitter and tweet thoughts I have while working. Ever since I got the idea to make this blog I've been thinking even deeper before. The next 1 hour and a half I would think about the past, bad times, good times, friends, enemies, girls, definitely girls. I would then think back to the past and pretend as if I were a different person, or if I acted differently, looked differently. Then I would "create" or "daydream" up my own "episode" and kind of just play it through my mind as if it were a TV show. Different outcomes. Pretty deep huh? I can't be the only person who does that right?

Anyway that's 3 hours right there and you'd be surprised how fast the time goes by when you do this! The next 5 hours I just listen to music, pretend I'm in a band playing for a bunch of people I know, or pretend as if my friends and I are partying or something whatever like that lol. Every day I'll purposely try to find 20 I've never heard of and really like and download them on to my phone. When I listen to music I've never heard before I can usually replay each song in a cycle over and over for a good 8 hours until I get sick of it. The last hour I'll just stock and act like a regular worker because it's during the day and customers are coming in now. Gosh this job is alright. This job is alright.

On my 30 min break sometimes I'll start blogging or I'll just sit there blankly and stare at the wall. One time I accidentally fell asleep.

It is tiring, my sleep schedule is screwed, totally weird. Everyday I'm running on about 5 hours of sleep, that's not healthy I guess. Something I need to fix.

I love how Kroger pays each week. I usually make around $260 each week. Eh that's ok, not that great, but hey money! I know my brother Alex makes $24 an hour. Exactly triple what I make. I'm happy for him though. I'm currently saving my money up. If I attend TCC I don't exactly have to worry about paying costs cause financial aid might pay for all of it! I have my car so it's gas money I'm only paying for right now. Other than that I'm making money and I don't know what to do with it! Maybe a concert or road trip with friends sometime or something lol. I'm saving up for the long run though for sure.


Cheyenne Fuller

https://instagram.com/kingofawkward23/
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My Car And Freedom

FINALLY! June 27, 2015 was the freakin date lol. I got my car. A white 1998 Hyundai. It was actually Alex's old car, but now mine since he bought a new one. You can actually tell I'm not a picky person because I absolutely love this thing...but it's actually not that great and not exactly a "chick magnet" lol. But hey? I have a vehicle! No more walking to work, no more assholes with their handed down Mustangs from their parents revving their engines past me, gawking at me, and now I can actually pick up girls for the dates instead of convincing them to drive to see me. I especially hated that. Made me look like a chump.

It was a big deal for me back in High School. Freshman and Sophomore year I continued to ride the bus which sucked, but what sucked more is when my mom would pick me up in front of school with my siblings, that was the worst part. While everyone else would drive away in their Chevy truck and wink at me with a grin on their face. Some of them were getting the buns lol. I wasn't and even when I was it wasn't in the good ways. "Well just come up and see me, please please, I'm only 30 minutes away!!" I would convince them. "Really Cheyenne?"

Senior year was FANTASTIC! Alex got a vehicle from his girlfriend's family and now I had his 1998 Ford Explorer and I LOVED that thing. So much memories. With my best friend Raf, girls, places, exploring, it was the best. It's amazing how much more fun life is when you have your own vehicle. I was totally free. I would blast my music, drive fast, put my head out the window and scream "AHHHH YEAHHHHHH!" as whoever the passenger was would just laugh hard. Instead of revving my engine like a douchebag I would stop and ask, "hey you wanna ride?" With a huge grin on my face. "You can always have fun without being a jerk." I would always tell myself.

Later my senior year my mom sold the vehicle without even telling me. I just came home and boom it wasn't even there. My mom and I had our usual hour argument. I almost cried actually no joke lol. I loved that thing. No more freedom. I wasn't able to go on drives to clear mind, wasn't able to take Olivia to prom(a girl I liked at the time), wasn't able to do any of the plans I had before my family and I was forced to move to Texas. I was very upset.

First year of college without a vehicle wasn't too bad. I had friends who had vehicles and thankfully they liked doing fun stuff like I did too. Parties, campus visits, late night food runs, and much more. The only one thing that sucked is that I didn't ask one girl out at DBU my first year because 90% of guys there had a VERY NICE VEHICLE, I even saw a couple Corvettes. And of course, because my name is Cheyenne Fuller I was the 10%. Getting revved at again, the usual. If I asked a girl out and they found out I didn't have a car, I would get turned down. Of course I assumed this and I always tried to go after girls who didn't seem like this but I was just being realistic.

Now I have my own car again and I have to say. I don't feel a thing. Nothing. I'm happy and thankful sure. But nothing. I drive to work 11:00 p.m. drive back home around 9:00 a.m. to get sleep. I don't feel the freedom I did before. I drove a girl around and took her on a date a couple days ago, eh it was ok but I didn't feel anything either. I blasted the music the other day and it felt good, but not good enough. I don't have enough time or money to be wasting to go on drives to clear my mind. None of my good friends live in Keller, Texas, none of the girls I used to like live in Keller, Texas, all the things I found fun back in Montana isn't in Keller, Texas. Just a bunch of stuck up high school kids.

You see I'm a second year college student now. I'm getting older and I hate it. More things are important now. It was never the vehicle that made me happy in the past, it was the experiences and the people. The freedom. And with my own vehicle now, I have none of that, besides my own freedom and decisions. Just working away I guess. Maybe I'm too picky? Maybe I want too much?

But hey I'm still thankful, I'm happy. Every time I get in the car I smile and think about when I didn't have one. I'll drive by people and teens who are walking and offer them a ride, because I remembered when I didn't have a vehicle. It sucked. For some people it's not a big deal, but for me it was. At least every once in a while I can chill with buddies and stuff,


Hey thanks for reading!

Cheyenne Fuller

https://instagram.com/kingofawkward23/
https://twitter.com/kingofawkward23
Check out my blog and read my other posts!