I am skeptical of posting stuff about religion on my blog because of this though. But something in me just says, "You have to do it. It's a subject people will enjoy. God wants you to do it. Wait whaaaatt? No he doesn't, God never told you to blog in the first place, what are you talking about? This was all your idea bud. You're gonna feel guilty if you don't do it though." Ok. Then I do it.
My lifestyle hasn't changed ever since I started middle school, high school, college, and work. I've always been the same person, with the same mindset. Before, back in High School, all my friends were so open-minded. Then I came to Dallas Baptist University and I had to watch it. I liked my friends there and the people were nice too, they really were. No complaints really. "Geez I'm not a bad kid though, I mean c'mooooon we're talking about the dorky Cheyenne Fuller here. I just dislike talking about God ALL THE TIME in general, every once in a while is fine. I mean wouldn't it annoy you if someone talked about math all the time? Or Obama or somethin? lol, but hey it's God, I'm not comparing them to God, but a topic is a topic. Ugh it just makes me feel like such a horrible person for saying that. I do need work and help, I know. I'm just being honest. Maybe I should stop this whole blogging thing. Nahhhh I have a pretty decent audience now. People actually appreciate the full honesty and feel of this I guess, or maybe just wanna see what this "chump" is gonna post next (; Either way you haters or lovers are viewing. Thank you. It makes me feel good.
Do you ever catch yourself talking about a touchy subject in a group that might kinda get awkward because some of the people in that group don't agree? Or because they don't believe in it? God is one of those subjects for sure. "Well I don't believe in God soooo." "Ok ok, can we just talk about something else?" "Heaven and Hell doesn't exist bruh, quit worrying so much." Then it just gets all touchy, feelings are hurt, and it's just awkward.
I'm not getting deep about ME. This blog isn't supposed to be about me. Nahhhh brah, it's actually supposed to help you think about yourself, with me used as examples I suppose, something like that.
I gave my heart to the Lord when I was 16 back in 2012. Why was I so excited? It wasn't a big deal. I remember posting it on Facebook and I felt like a movie star with all the likes and comments. No more posting statuses about my life on Facebook. "Ok ok, it's not a big deal really..."
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| My friends Spencer and Michaela back at Glacier Bible Camp in 2012 |
"Cheyenne you have to ask God what he wants for your life." she said. "Mom what's the point of living and making your own decisions when God can supposedly lead you to where he wants? If that was the case, then us and the world wouldn't be so miserable all the time." I snapped. Conversation ended just like that with her shaking her head in disgust. "I'll be praying for you."
Just going through the motions, yeah we'd pray every night, say prayers before we eat, before we started the day, and all of that. But I never felt anything, just going through the motions. It didn't feel special at all. Have you ever asked someone "hey how are you doing?" but you actually don't really care about how they're doing haha? It's kinda like that, you're so used to doing the same thing, you don't feel anything.
I've NEVER felt God "speak to me." How does he "speak" to me? How do I know it's not just my own mind? Ok that's a bad thing right? If I'm a Christian. If I'm truly a Christian I should feel him speaking to me right? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe it's all a joke, maybe I'm not a Christian but I think I am? Wait whhhaaat? Nahhh that doesn't make any sense does it? I truly did give my life to him....right? I mean I went through it all. I thought I felt something.
I remember back in 2013 my senior year. This guest speaker came to speak to our Church. I didn't really like him actually because he "embarrassed" me in front of everyone. He went around putting his hand on random hand-picked people he chose around the church and praying for them out loud, saying all the things they were struggling with. And with my luck you already know I was one of those people.
"Please don't pray for me. Please don't pray for me. Don't come near me." I thought to myself. Doesn't that sound horrible? "Don't pray for me?" He came towards me and put his hand on my shoulder. "Lord Jesus I pray a blessing upon this young adult. The older you get the more responsibilities, trials and tribulations you face. You're struggling with Family Troubles, Sexual Activity, Anger, Depression. You're a very liked, popular guy, but deep down you're afraid. You don't know what to do, where you're going. Lord I want you to lead this child down your path of righteousness, show him the light towards the Kingdom. Take control of the throne of his life. Make him the kind of person you want him to be. Amen." That was a shortened version actually...
I saw a little 10th grade sophomore snickering and grinning like a fool when he said all this. He didn't take any of this seriously, what a fake. I was angry at this guest speaker. Did he really have to say all that out loud? In front of everyone? Praying doesn't have to require everyone knowing your damn business does it? Who does he think he is? The truth is, I was angry at him because somehow, everything he said was right. It freaked me out and made me even more angry. "These no-it-all Christians are overdoing it. That wasn't necessary at all." I told myself. Embarrassing.
It was silent on the way home from church. How can it not be awkward when all your family members hear this stuff? "Don't worry bout it, don't worry bout it, you can change right? It's not that hard. I can pray to God on my own time. It's not hard at all.
This is where the reality part for EVERYONE, not just me comes in. Sure, I started praying, reading my bible every morning before school. It started feeling good the first two months....but then I slowly and slowly stopped doing it. No more. I never thought about it. It just stopped happening. "I'm not a bad kid. I'm really not. Lets just not think about it. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine." On with life.
Alcohol, girls, parties, stupidity, it was all a once in a while thing. Geez I haven't EVER been mean to anyone, unless they deserved it. I'm not bad! I'm a nice caring guy! But why am I feeling so guilty? Most of the kids in my class and I did not behave like a "real Christian" would I guess, but what's a "real Christian" anyway right? All of them weren't Christians anyway, but some of them who claimed they were...., haha nahhhhhh. But I'm not just gonna diss on them because I don't know their struggles and also cause if someone looked at me back when I was 17 in high school they would not think I was a Christian either because of how I acted as well. Rightfully so.
It's hard to be a good person when you're not around the best people, just saying just saying, because I did know who my real friends were and you know who your real friends are as well.
But wait a sec, what are all these thoughts you have in your mind randomly sometimes? "If you die tonight, you're going to hell." "Don't drink that, God is gonna punish you." "Something bad is going to happen" "You're gonna die and burn in hell if you don't change your ways around." "In the blink of an eye you're gonna die, then what kid? Have fun with the Devil down there. Eternity. You're gonna spend eternity with the Devil. How does that make you feel?"
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| This picture creeps me out. |
This kinda goes back to the "Atheists and Trying To Believe In God" post I did 2 months earlier. "All these fake Christian girls getting drunk and grinding on every guy they see, then they "repent" post bible quotes on Instagram with a damn selfie and then repeat the f%&@in process all over again." said my roommate. "Applies to everyone." I thought.
This is where it gets weird. After High School it was DBU. I didn't distance myself from the Jesus talkers. In fact I'm still friends with many of them, they helped me a bit, talked to me, they were great friends to me. The problem is that once it came to talking about Jesus, I was outta there, tried my best to escape. I just can't do it. "They won't like me, they'll think I'm fake, they're so Godly I can't compare, they can see the fake right through me, I'm nothing like them, I think too much." I would tell myself. They all acted the same, knew so much about the Lord. I remember meeting a sorority girl named Stephanie, really kind, a good friend and a believer. "Well hey we're actually having a bible study, you wanna come?" "Uhh yeah I might be there, let me just go to my dorm first to wash up." I didn't go. She knew I wasn't coming either. She was no fool, cause she just gave me that "surrreee you're commiiiinnggg" look. I felt really bad, she and her friends are great people. Haven't really talked to any of them since.
Let's be totally honest here, I was better friends with the people who weren't talking about God all the time though. "I'm still a Christian, I'm a good person." Clubs, Alcohol, Parties. Every 1 month I'd like to say. I just don't know what to do. Everyone is repenting but do it again. What if you forget to repent then die? Hell it is? Compared to the person who "remembers" to repent? Heaven it is for them? How do we even know? What am I even talking about?
"Haha broooo so many Christians and people are gonna see this post bro, are you sure you wanna post it? You sure that's a good idea?" asked one of my friends. "Just because I choose to admit to my sins on a dumb blog doesn't mean I'm a worst person than all these people right? Of course I'm posting this, who knows? Some of them might relate, if they think I'm crazy than they think I'm crazy haha." I said.
I don't even know what I need help with. Ok ok, you're a Christian, you love God. There's step one. You know the 10 commandments, the differences between right and wrong, you know what you shouldn't do. There's step two. Where after that? Why do I keep doing what I'm doing when I know it's wrong? You're doing it too!! Right? Or am I just horrible?? What's wrong us?!
Mind over God. It's like I'm trying to out-think him or something. You can't out-think God you fool! It's making my head hurt. This post is getting long, maybe I should stop. I'm just afraid someone is gonna run me over or something and I'm going straight to hell. What if I do die? Oh gosh where am I gonna go? But what if I live? I'm gonna repent cause I'm scared and had an near death experience but then all the same things and same thoughts keep happening over and over after I do and nothing is changing. It's just a never ending cycle of horror and it's destroying our mind. My mind. Maybe yours too?
Ok. Wait
Let's breathe.
Let's stop.
Conclusion right? You're confused now perhaps? You don't even know what I'm talking about. I don't even know what I'm talking about! Maybe I just need help? Maybe you do to? I'll just say that to make myself feel good. No I'm just gonna be truthful. Speak on behalf of people like me. Christians are gonna see this. I don't care. Ok let's do this. Some of you are with me.
Why I hate talking about God with other Christians? Why I'm struggling? They know all about the Bible and God, I'm jealous because they're better people than me, almost like they're cocky about it, they have life alll figuuurrreeed out.. "Ohh yeah brooo! c'mon homiez let's go get turnt for Jesus!" "Turnt for Jesus?" Are you freakin serious? You're joking right? DBU, or just my friends in life generally was split kinda, not in a bad way though. You had the believers, 50% and you had the people who didn't share their opinion much, they might have been believers, they might not have been. Either way they didn't talk about God as much. That's the other 50%, not a big deal, that's everywhere, every college. Why I'm stuggling? Why you might be struggling?
Because we just need help. It's simple. Just kidding no it's not. Perhaps see a pastor, pray to God more, read the Bible. But I shouldn't be giving advice about this at all. I just believe we're not trying hard enough to "speak to God." But I don't know a thing. I know I know. All these people trying to cram Jesus down our throats. "Pray this, pray that." "Died on the cross for our sins blah blah." Tell me something I don't know.
Something has to be wrong if we're supposedly a Christian, but we have to repent almost everyday, or we keep repeating the same sins, or we're afraid to talk about God with our peers, and avoid huge believers. Something is wrong. I don't know what to do. "Oh just pray!! You'll be fine!" I've been doing that. You've been doing that. Shut up, it's not that freakin easy for some of us. I'm just afraid I'm "fake repenting" does that make sense? Repenting without actually meaning what I'm saying, the little things in the back of your mind letting you know it's gonna happen again? "Your sins are gonna happen again."
I find that most of the time I'm only repenting when something "bad" or "tragic" happens to me of if I'm in a situation that is looking extremely tough. It's weird how some of us only pray when we need something.
This probably isn't even bothering most of you like it's bothering me and I know why. You're probably not thinking about when you die as much as I am. More than a normal person should actually. Heaven or Hell. Eternity. It's bothering me. I'm gonna find help. I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be fine. We just need to quit our ways, our addictions. Although I believe they aren't that bad and they aren't addictions. But maybe the first step to quitting something is to admit it's an addiction? I dunno. I will find a way to overcome haha. I'm going to Heaven. I'm serious. This is life. This is real. One chance. My head hurts, I'm done.
I'm stressed out? Me of all people? I'm worried for have friends who are non-believers. What will they think? I wonder what is going through their heads. I still feel for them. It's hard when people try to cram God down your throat, especially when they don't believe in it. Must be hard for them. Maybe we need it. It'll save us perhaps. But they don't believe in being saved though? Right?
AWWW GOSH I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
This was weird. I might have to read this over a couple times to make sure this even makes sense. It probably doesn't, I dunno, nahhhh I'll just post it before I can change my mind and cheat and change stuff that way it's 100% real. Tell me what you think, maybe you can't, this was kinda all over the place. But hey normal blogs are boring, I like this. Thanks for reading this post, this might be the first post that I promise myself I won't go back and edit anything.
3:13 a.m. currently, I had the night off from work, I'll post this tomorrow around 8:00 p.m., no one is awake right now(:
P.S. I'm not going back to edit or read this haha, so cut me some slack on this one if words are misspelled etc.haha, bye bye now.
Cheyenne Fuller
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