Having Depression And Being Bipolar

"I'm not depressed, I'm not depressed, why would I be depressed?" I don't think I've ever been "depressed," I mean isn't depression when you're sad for a long period of time? Have you ever been content with what you're doing? I mean you're just neutral. You're not happy, you're not sad, you're just going on with your daily activities and suddenly you just get all sad and angry?

Moods suck. I have sympathy for people with depression. You don't know what they're going through. "Oh it's gonna be fine, tons of people love you blah blah." Saying that won't help them, you don't know what they're going through. 

In my opinion, I highly believe depression is mostly caused or triggered by someone else or other people. That makes no sense? Here's an example, lets say you lost your leg, you'd be depressed. But what if everyone else in the world lost their leg too? You're all in the same boat, you don't feel as bad right? No one is at a disadvantage.

I'll never understand myself or bipolar people. "OH HOW ARE YOU DOING!?(:" they say with a huge smile on their face. *5 minutes later* "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE!" I'll never understand. I've dealt with so many people like this in my life. It's annoying, but I don't judge them. Maybe their going through a lot? Maybe at the times when they're "happy" they're actually not. They're just faking it. Naaahhhhh.

I don't think I'm depressed, I dunno. Some days I'm totally fine chilling with my friends, messing around being stupid, working, gettin dat cash money, writing etc. AHHH isn't life great!?" I'll say in the morning looking out the window, eating breakfast, daily activities, admiring the beauty in this world, chillin with the homies, having fun, laughing.

Some days I'm not fine. "This world is a bit unfair to me." I'll be walking and seeing people having more fun than me, they seem like they have everything they want. A nice vehicle, really good looking clothes, in a great relationship, very attractive looking. The list goes on and on. Some people have to go through more unnecessary crap and the most horrible experiences just to get to where those people are. I believe that's what triggers my thoughts most of the time. It's what almost automatically makes me think that they don't belong in my life. How selfish of me right? Lol.

Sometimes I'll get suddenly sad and mad for no reason. Usually I'm happy and my usual self ya know? And then all of a sudden BOOM. You'll think of something random, you're deep in thought, but you can't remember what it was you thought of, but it made you THINK HARD. It made you upset and sad. You keep yourself away from people, turn your phone off, and just sit there mad at the world. Perhaps you vent to random people and take it out on them? Perhaps you seek help? I've done that. I hate venting to people but it helps. Shows who your true friends are.

I'm a huge believer that the less people in your life, the less depressed you'll be. You see that's where I went wrong. I know so many people, I made tons of friends friends, made moments, memories. Good and bad. Maybe you did too. Maybe they were all good? But for some odd reason, it just depresses you for some reason. You don't know why. I don't know why either. Something is missing.

You're not attractive enough, you're not wealthy enough, everyone is secretly happier than you. You're making assumptions, you're giving up to easy. You're now depressed, but then something good happens to you all of a sudden. HOPE! It gave you hope, now you're happy. In a better mood, back to your phone, back to your friends, hanging out, confidence, and happiness. I feel fantastic. Wait whaaaaa? Bipolar much?

I honestly don't know if I'm "depressed" or "bipolar." I don't think I am. But if I'm thinking about it something is up right? Do you ever think about it? I've had my true friends throughout life, I have a car, I have nice things, I had girlfriends, food on the table, fun siblings, great memories. Why should I be depressed? Why you sad brooooo??

Comparing yourself to people. I did all the time in middle school and beginning of high school. Everyone had cellphones, relationships, hung out, went to the parties, got to do all the fun stuff. Me? I did too, but I had to go through the most unnecessary crap for all that, which gave my life some pretty funny, yet unbelievable moments. You wouldn't believe it. It depressed me sometimes.....or a lot. It got better sophomore year when my dad died, I was free to do all of that now. But wait, my dad died? My family always arguing? You ever ask yourself? "Why the hell am I always the one at a disadvantage? Why do I always have to work harder and try harder to get money, the relationships, happiness, excitement, and cool things compared to all these stuck up jackasses who get everything handed down to them? Handed down money, perfect looks, awesome car for their birthday. All this stuff they get for free. It's unfair. It makes me angry." I know some of you feel the same way, you feel selfish, but you feel it. Admit it. Don't deny it.

This isn't about me, It's really not. I'm not going deep, just mixed emotions every day. Working on it.

I know I know, this post is all over the place. You probably don't even know what I'm talking about. It's currently 2:00 a.m. as I write this. The weirdest thoughts just come into my head at the night. After I post this I'll probably be all like "Woah ok I think I'm crazy or something." Whatever I can't be the only one thinking like this.

When I'm sad or upset I stay away from my phone. Going on a rant. I hate social media, get a life for God's sake. I don't wanna see all you people smiling and posing on your Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook every day like the world is your best friend lol haha. I'll purposely try to think of something that'll put myself down even more. I'll try to convince myself to dislike certain people. To make things more dramatic. Isn't that weird? A little insane? I know people who cut themselves, even one person who committed suicide. I guess it just puts them out of their misery. No more pretending, no more feelings, no more worrying. It's all over. Who's afraid of death? It shouldn't be that scary, you don't feel anything.

But you're destroying your loved ones. Have someone you were close to ever die? You were obviously sad. Sometimes I think and have little episodes in my head about what and how my family, and friends would say and react to me committing suicide. Like it'll go deep, it's almost like I'm creating my own movie in my mind. I kill myself, and I get to see how my family reacts, then my friends. All over social media, I get to predict the looks on everyone's face when they look on Facebook to see that I'm dead. I wonder what they would think. I wonder who'd come to my funeral. I wonder who'd cry, who'd care, who'd wonder. Who would say, "Why did he do such a think?" I wonder who would think about me..

Not that I ever thought about committing suicide, noooo that's wack lol. But I always think about what maybe the outcome would be. I know people would be sad, I'd be the center of attention but I wouldn't know because I'm dead. I'll play episodes in my head pretending I'm dead. Seeing episodes of how my friends would react. Sometimes it's fun to do this? Wait what? I'm serious though. Thoughts like this make me think I'm bipolar, not depressed though. But I never act bipolar around people though, it'll bring them down, so I try to make it seem like I'm doing alright. Sometimes people will lift me up and make me feel better. I'll talk to a random person, make a new friend. Gosh it's great. Some people are amazing. 

Music helps, listening to the "feely, goosebump, emotion music ya know? A lot of Jimmy Eat World, Lydia, and Avril Lavigne I've been likin lately. Or like talking to a good friend, I actually talk to strangers and make friends with them when I'm feeling down. It's actually not awkward to me at all believe it or not. It's a fresh start, a new beginning. They don't know you, you don't know them. It's a tingly feeling that I love. No fakeness in the beginning, it's perfect. Another Facebook friend and Instagram follower hahaha. I hate how people don't find it awkward to go on freakin Tinder or an online datng site, but they find it awkward if someone says hello to you on the street. This world has changed and I don't like it one bit.

I hate being by myself, I love my friends. Sometimes I'm content with being alone though. I don't need popularity, I don't need social media. I really don't. All I need is my real friends, a lover, a life plan, and happiness. The less pointless things I have, the more happy I am. Gosh isn't that so true? "I'm perfectly fine, but I want more, I want more money, I want to look better, I want a really cute girlfriend who I can talk to and do anything with, a better looking car." It's all just selfishness. Why are we all feeling so bad? Shouldn't we be feeling good? If we act so depressed we won't get any of those great things.

Maybe you're not bipolar or depressed. You're just thinking too much. You have a lot of great things, you're just overthinking, assuming before anything even happened. Maybe that led to you being depressed, I wouldn't doubt it. I say just stick to your true friends, delete those other people and accessories out of your life.

Ya know who I'm talking about. The people on Facebook and Instagram you follow, but you aren't that good of friends with them, you're just following them because they're attractive and you hope that they acknowledge you even though they never will, the people you compare yourself to. They're making you feel like crap. Start accepting the truth. Deep down they make you feel like they're better than you. They have more money, they're better looking, they have a hot boyfriend/hot girlfriend, everything you want, they have. They're depressing you. You don't need them. Unfollow them, unfriend them, delete them. It's not their fault because they're just being themselves, but weirdly enough, it's hurting you. It's just the way you think, unless you can change the way you think, stay away from people who don't care about you. They're not your true friend anyway.

Sometimes I wish people would just be real. Show how they truly feel, not try to look so cool behind their friends, acting like they're too cool for the world. Looking like every other person. Everyone is starting to look and act the same to me. We need more people who show me their soul ya know? Shows me the real person they are.

You're just going through something, anything, silly or not, it's bringing you down. I can't help you. The only person who can help you is you. You're thinking too much. You need to relax. Realize the great things around you. Talk to people, people like you and me understand. There's still great people in this horrible world ya know (; haha. You can do this. So corny right? I'm serious though.

Maybe we're all just crazy. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe this post made no sense. Who knows? Just don't kill yourself. Lol.

Cheyenne Fuller

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